DYNAMICS OF A MARRIAGE






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DYNAMICS OF A MARRIAGE





The Vow



"....For Better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, in joys and in sorrow, to love and to cherish until death do we part.

I give you all that I have myself and my love....."



I purposely selected the above lines from the entire set of the wedding vows as they form the very basis of the Dynamics of a Marriage. Its true that unknowingly our entire married life revolves around the above mentioned vow. 



Dynamics of a Marriage is meant for all those who are married, plan to get married or are single and do not have marriage anywhere on their priority list - It is meant for all humans who believe in this true union which is so well planned and executed by The Almighty.   


So it doesn't matter if you are married or single just go ahead and read further if you have faith in Marriage as its true that marriage entirely rests on your Faith in it.  


Love or Arranged but for sure Marriages are made in heaven.


There are numerous forces that govern this wonderful union called "Marriage". The attributes of these forces involves not only the two who choose to get married but also the ones who are closely associated with these two people who get united by His will.

There is no more friendly, lovely and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage - Martin Luther

Let us try and have a look at the various aspects of marriage dynamics which give momentum and shape to a married life and affect all those who are associated with this relationship.


Concerns faced by Parents to get their children married



I feel it always starts with the parents.

It's true that marriage is mostly about the two who choose to get married but that comes later, as the primary matter of concern are the issues and controversies faced by parents to get their children married.

Thankfully parents of the 21st century have become liberal enough to approach their kids and ask if they have already made a choice with regards to their life partner. Our parents have become adequately flexible  to give our choice a priority. So on being asked the question "Do you have somebody in your life?" if your answer is a YES! I feel it's not your's it's the life of your parents that becomes half sorted because they understand that now all they have to mostly concentrate is on the execution part.

But if your answer is a NO! then starts the real challenge for your parents - I call it "The Search Challenge". 

The biggest issues faced by parents is to get their children married.  Parents love their children the most on this Earth and they are ready to do anything to find the best match for their children. The urge to find the best primarily leads to elongated searches and the indecisiveness on the part of the kids makes it even more complex and a never ending process.  

That's right, why would anyone compromise on any aspect while choosing their life partner after all it's the matter of whole life. But life partner exploration becomes a never ending voyage when we focus on the term "compromise" too much. I feel it's not compromise that is required to be made rather it's the attributes you are trying to find in your "Would Be."  

So its better to prioritize the attributes you are looking for and explain the same to your parents to make their task easier. 

Also there are times when parents feel that their children have reached an appropriate marriageable age and therefore they should get married on priority dispersing all the other important task.  This eventually generates enough pressure on a child who is an adult but is trying to concentrate on something more productive keeping marriage as secondary on their priority list. Also there are times when children feel that despite of being an adult they are not mentally prepared to take up the responsibilities of a married life and thus they need more time. 

In any situation decision of marriage is solely no based on age criteria. It is important for both the parents and their adult children to understand that the decision of getting  married should be primarily made on the basis of the individual's will to take up the responsibilities of a married life and get united with another person and share their life forever. Completing some other time bound important task and keeping marriage as secondary in the order of preference is not a bad decision.

Apart from finding a right match another challenge that parents face is arranging funds to get it executed. It is a better to carry out the task on budget based idea. Societies where marriage ceremonies symbolize prosperity put a lot of monetary pressure on the parents to get their children married. But this can be sorted if parents maintain a compact budget to perform the task regardless of how others would perceive their wealthiness as this  would help in releasing the excess pressure on the parents.



Right Choice in choosing the "Life Partner"



This one gets very difficult for people who want to get married but are not able to do so as they feel they have still not come across the one they are looking for.

But it's an important question - how would someone come to know that their search is over and they have found the perfect match for themselves?

Yes! but that's a truth, that there is nothing like perfect, so you being an imperfect one please don't go looking for a perfect human being. It's true - "A great marriage doesn't happen when the Perfect Couple meets . It always happens when an "Imperfect Couple " unites and decides to live with and enjoy each other's differences."

So how to recognize this particular imperfect one is meant for me? - Some alarm or a tune on violin that would be audible only to me? Some voice form the heaven that will speak only to me? Any other signal visible only to me? How would I know this one is for me?

  • He takes care of me and my loved ones, 
  • He respects my priorities
  • She never keeps one asking questions to clear her doubts rather is interested to know more about me from me.
  • He clearly speaks about his weaknesses
  • She has her objectives in life well placed and has shared the same with me.
  • I am always given enough time to think and come back to him/her.
  • I know I am short tempered and he is calm.
  • The more I talk to him the more it appears we come from the same school of thought.
  • I am not only informed about his/her opinion but I am also asked about my own and mine is well taken care by him/her.


If you come across such experiences and similar ones when associating with your prospective partner trust me you are getting the signals to take your expected relationship further.

Try analyzing the experiences where you felt happy, elated and contended and the ones where you felt disgusted, insulted, doubtful and sad. If the count of the first set of experience is more than the second set then it's definitely worth to consider the prospect otherwise drop it gracefully "Never burn your bridges" if it doesn't work out.



The Exchange



No, it is not the rings that two people decide to exchange as a ritual of marriage. There are other significant exchanges that take place during and post espousal and most of them are in the form of "Psychological Contracts" - unwritten, unspoken but clearly understood by the two souls uniting forever.  

I would consider a marriage successful were both husband and wife build and respect the self-esteem of each other. Self-esteem is a valuable asset of a human life so it is important for both the partners not to expect their significant other to compromise on their self-esteem rather it is essential to maintain the dignity of each other equally.

Responsible human beings are always reliable and trustworthy both in the personal and professional life. Same applies to a married life.

A life partner who realizes that his or her companion is taking care of their significant responsibilities and is making efforts for serious contribution develops trust and reliability in the married relation. An exchange of efforts towards fulfilling each other's liabilities while not forgetting their own at the same time.



Life with in-laws family post marriage



No! this is not just about the wife rather it is about both  the Husband and the Wife as after marriage both of them get their own set of in-laws who are assumed to have a significant status in their lives.

It is important to be yourself when living your life with your in-laws. Just as your biological family and your close friends know your positives and negatives similarly your in-laws should also be clearly aware of them. Not being in the real self with in-laws is like deceiving a family and the person with whom you'll spend the rest of your life. 

Know what is expected from you as a son or a daughter in-law and assess what parameters are easy for you to meet and what all you find nearly impossible or difficult. Introduce your in-laws to your difficulties of adapting and executing. Trying to do anything out of fear, social and family pressure or for the reason to make others happy will not lead you too far. If you are honest about your weaknesses and share them with your in-laws they would genuinely make an effort to ease your life. 

Avoid taking up roles and responsibilities that are not meant for you and belong to somebody else. Your in-law's family just like your own biological family is build up of people across the hierarchy who have their own set of roles, status and duties recognize your positioning in this family pyramid and execute what you are meant to. Helping others and sharing of responsibilities at the hour of need is certainly mandatory but do not engage yourself into playing somebody else's role all through out as this will derail you from your set of task execution. But never forget to be the first one to offer help when asked for.

It's not about following the rules, rituals and customs of the in-laws primarily rather it is more about being your real self, informing  them about your strengths and weakness, not pretending and significantly accepting the pros and cons of the new family. 

Just be true to yourself and trust yourself rest everything else will fall into place. It is better to avoid making any sort of   extra efforts especially when not required. 

Just let it flow.


Prioritizing


This gets tough when it comes to prioritizing parents.

Who should be considered first your's or mine?

But why to consider one set of parents over the other when they are both equal as they are the nurturers of two souls who are themselves equal in every sense. 

None of the parents are superior or inferior as parent can never be less and more.

Sill when required to be arranged in order never select them on the basis of your or mine. It is better to prioritize them with reference to the circumstances or need of the hour. Leave it for the situation to decide who needs attention, care and help at the moment. 

To maintain a balance keep switching the priority based on the intensity of the situation as this ways it would be easier to give genuine attention to both the parents. 

Simultaneously when taking care of one set of parents never act indifferent towards the other set of nurturers if you want them to understand your priority.
 It's not always about parents rather couples should avoid prioritizing based on gender be it any situation - career, family responsibilities, home care and child care.

Being a wife doesn't mean always on the top of the priority list and being a wife also doesn't mean always standing last in the queue. 

Be the husband or the wife your spouse should not always be your primary priority but it's true that they cannot be the least one too.
Rather than considering who should be preferred first the wife or the husband it is suggested to consider the magnitude of the situation of both and rank the priority accordingly. Successful marriage is based on teamwork,mutual trust, respect and a great dose of love and care. 




Remember those vows in the opening para, they are of great importance in a situation when you find it most difficult to keep them. 


Keertika Sharma - Personali Progressio









Keertika Sharma













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